clum·sy
Pronunciation: \kləm-zē\
1 a
: lacking dexterity, nimbleness, or grace <clumsy fingers> b : lacking tact or subtlety <a clumsy joke>synonyms
see awkwardYou could definitely describe me as "lacking dexterity, nimbleness, or grace". This is true of my physical self, as most of you are aware, but it is also far a far too appropriate description of my spiritual life. My good friend and pastor Jacob Vanhorn recently posted this quote on Twitter, and it resonated with me intensely:
"A member of a group can survive outside the group, but a member of a body dies outside the body." -Ben Patterson
These words struck my heart when I read them this morning, as I've allowed so many "things" (life) to get in the way and overshadow my commitment to God, and to my church, Soma Austin. Ask anyone close to me, and they'll tell you I've been different lately. I've been depressed, negative, sarcastic, and joyless. I've been picking at my husband, starting completely unnecessary arguments and tiffs that breed resentment in my marriage. I allowed myself to become discouraged and disheartened when I weighed in last Saturday and realized I hadn't lost any weight since the previous week. I've had a listless, melancholy attitude, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.
It wasn't until I began reading 'Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life" with my friend Emily that I started to connect my recent lackluster spirit to the fact that I hadn't been to church in over a month. I haven't gone to a service, I've been to my Missional Community only once in the last month, and I have not made time to fellowship, share, and just spend time with my friends in far too long. Another big one: I haven't been spending time in the Word.
I'm realizing more and more that my spiritual life and my walk with God so directly affect the rest of my life. I'm committing this week to re-establishing my place in my church family, and submerging myself in God's Word, discipling myself as a means of unparalleled spiritual liberty.
]]>I've been an absentee neighbor lately! Truth be told, it's because I've been insanely busy, not just lazy, I swear! Even my friends here in Austin have been checking in on me, making sure I'm still alive...
Things overall have been...well, just good. Not great, not bad, just good, which I'm fine with! Stephen is a full-time student, working to secure a future for us every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He recently quit his job, since he was having a really hard time balancing work and school this early on. I understood and supported the decision, especially since the government will (hopefully) be providing him a paycheck for going to school, and the job was paying him nearly nothing. The day he had to miss a mandatory test to go into work for only slightly more than minimun wage was the final straw. Luckily, his boss was gracious and understanding, and his professor allowed him to take the test late, so it all worked out. His writing ability has really surprised me! I mean, he's my husband and I've always known he's hilarious and definitely has a way with words, but he's been writing these papers for school (which I proofread and type up for him) and they are AWESOME! The last one was about getting his head shaved when he joined the US Army at 19. SO FUNNY. And you really feel the anguish of his experience... anyway...he's definitely found his "writing voice", according to his professor! He seems to be thriving in a learing environment, and I couldn't be happier for him.
Me, well, I've just been keepin' on keepin' on. Work has been nuts lately, with two different coworkers going through difficult personal and family situations, as well as typical fall-time illnesses and whatnot. Plus, I had last week off, and came back to a ton of work! I'm glad though, I was happy to jump into it. It's exhillirating. I know, I'm a huge dork! Other than work, I've been drawing a lot and focusing on healing myself. I've had 2 rounds now of epidural injections, and they seem to be helping. My pain level has gone from about a 7 or 8 without meds to about a 4 or 5. With meds, I'm usually at a 2 or 3, which is awesome. I'm sure my weight loss has been helping with that as well. I set my first goal (of many) at 30 pounds, and as of last Sunday, I'd lost 22.8 pounds! Only 7.2 pounds to go! I really can't believe how quickly it's been coming off, but I'd been told that might happen at first, especially since I have a lot to lose. Now I just need to figure out a good workout routine and I'll be a calorie-burning machine!! I had a hard time getting motivated in the beginning, but now that I'm starting to fit back into things I haven't worn in forever, I'm on a mission! Today, I'm wearing a denim pencil skirt that's been hiding in my closet for at least 2 years. Feels good. Feels like freedom! hahaha. I'm so silly.
Things with me and Stephen are good... we've been dealing with some issues, health-related and not, and trying to work and pray through them together. So, we'll see. We had our 18 month anniversary yesterday. Weird that we've been married that long... doesn't feel like it!
Anyway, it's been fun, but I've gotta run! And I promise to try not to be a stranger!
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Well I'm afraid I'm not supposed to be like this
Like I was born in a land where no serpent hissed
And I have waited a long time for Your kiss
Well I have felt that they'd all take offense at me
And so a fence I have built to protect the seed
But all the bricks will secure it's mortality
I have been seated in circles and stood in disgrace
At the noted intention to be in place
And I have seen that one man saved the human race
But it took His life and it took His faith
I have risen from ashes and fed on flames
But even so I still fear I have played a game
And it seems no one else is as sick and depraved
I have heard that I'm not supposed to be this way
And still the stones that are lifted fall down to stay
But I keep doubting and think one will strike my face
He's been promising me something more than pain
Where the cost is grace and my loss is gain
And I have chosen because there is no other way
I either wallow in shame
Or humble myself and be saved
And be saved
"I'm Afraid I'm Not Supposed To Be Like This" by Waterdeep
I used to love singing this hymn in church when I was a kid, and I heard it this morning and was reminded how beautiful it is.
Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidd’st me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just a I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Crazy hectic chaotic life has gotten in the way of me blogging lately. I know, I know, I'm a terrible neighbor. I'll try to be better, I promise! Don't break up with me!
Yipee!
*Stephen picked up his new car yesterday. It's a 2010 Toyota Corolla sport, and he loves it. It smells good. :)
*We are paying zero interest on said car, thanks to the amazing generosity of my grandfather. He co-signed, and he has perfect credit!!
*My Nutrisystem order shipped this morning, and within the next week, I'll be ready to start! Skinny jeans, here I come. Actually, I don't have any skinny jeans. I'll have to buy some.
*My job is going really well. I love it here. I am so lucky to have amazing coworkers, an awesome boss, and a really fun job. I can't believe I've been here for over a year now. Weird.
*I joined dailymile.com today so I can track how far I walk every day. I plan on doing lots of walking. Every little bit helps!
*God is so good, and He's been showing me his grace all over the place lately.
*Stephen has started school. He's such a cute little full-time student!
*I am absolutely, madly in love with my husband.
Yikes!
*My back isn't feeling any better. I had my first round of epidural steroid injections last week, and I'm having more on Tuesday. I just hope it starts to help. Right now, it's pretty unbearable.
*We're broke. But what else is new?
I guess that's it for now... glad the good has been outweighing the bad, for the first time in a long time.
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Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth Would care to know my name Would care to feel my hurt Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star Would choose to light the way For my ever wandering heart Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean Vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours, I am Yours Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin Would look on me with love and watch me rise again Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea Would call out through the rain And calm the storm in me Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow A wave tossed in the ocean Vapor in the wind Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord, You catch me when I'm falling And You've told me who I am I am Yours Not because of who I am But because of what You've done Not because of what I've done But because of who You are I am Yours Whom shall I fear Whom shall I fear 'Cause I am Yours I am Yours
(Casting Crowns- Who am I?)]]>