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So, I was looking through my Myspace pictures the other day... I had completely forgotten Myspace since transitioning to the exciting worlds of Facebook and Twitter, but there it was, my profile, sitting quietly stagnant and waiting for me patiently. Looking through those pictures, I experienced a whirlwind of emotions, from happy reminiscence to regretful anger, to jealousy and fascination... it's just so darn interesting to go back and look at a bunch of pictures of yourself in chronological order! Making this especially interesting for me is the fact that the years of 2004-2009 have been some of the most tumultuous, transformative, life-changing, difficult, wearing, blissful years of my life (in no particular order. ha!). I went from being a practically homeless addict in Arlington TX (living in a low-weekly-rate [$90] motel across the street from the toothless strip club) in 2004, to a happily married, gainfully employed, God-praising Christian in 2009. How did that happen? What were the events, who were the people who helped me make these changes? Anyway. I've been through a lot in the past 5 years... probably more than in my whole life combined. But I'm still here. I find it terribly interesting to look through these pictures and notice the ever-so-slight changes in my face, my eyes, my smiles... My inner Narcissa tells me I should be sad to look through these and see that yes, I am getting older... but really, I just feel grateful and relieved. Grateful that God has brought me through these years ALIVE, and relieved that those days of greedy desperation, addiction, and chaos are over. I still have my moments of chaos, of course (don't we all?), but these days, they're few and far between. I have happily settled into a comfortable, if somewhat predictable, life. These days, the chaos of a punk show or a house party are welcome, because they last for only a few hours, one night, and then I'm back to my peaceful existence with my loving husband and my two crazy pets. Anyway. That's it for my introspection on the topic... here's the photographic evidence!

2004

2004

There are a LOT of pictures from 2004, but most of them are in print form, not online. This was the year I moved back to Arlington, dejected, and started becoming who I am today. After only a couple of weeks I was dirty, greedy, addicted... but I also found a lifetime friend in Mandy, who helped get me a job at Whole Foods, and thus began the series of events that would eventually lead us back to austin, and to me hurting my back, going to Dallas to have surgery, finding Stephen again after 10 years, and so on and so on. Strange how things link up like that....

2005

2005c

In February of 2005, Mandy and I moved to Austin (I came back, she came with me) and we rented a tiny little 100-year-old house on the East Side. It turned into the infamous 3210 Larry Ln house where we would eventually host around 20 different house shows and parties. In some ways it is heartwarming to think back on that year, because, let's be honest, it really was a hell of a lot of fun. However, there are pangs of guilt, regret, and anger surrounding those memories as well. I find it interesting that 2005 was my worst year, as far as addiction goes, but I really can't tell from looking at the pictures. I don't look high. Maybe I do. I guess I don't know what high looks like anymore (thank you Jesus!). I'm definitely thinner in these pictures than in the rest, though... probably about 10 pounds lighter than I am now. Time to get on it, Kelly! I want 2010's pictures to be the best of the bunch!

2005

2005b

2006

2006

2006 was a HARD year. Well, it started out that way, anyway. I had moved out of the Larry Lane house (we trashed it beyond words, it was no longer habitable by the time we moved out) and gotten my own tiny 1-bedroom apartment. This was a mistake, I think. I had too much time on my hands. I was still at Whole Foods, but work was secondary to my party life. I was hopelessly addicted, and would often spend days at a time away from home, "partying". My poor cat. I was really, really sad. I felt hopeless. Lost.  

2006b

In April of 2006, I broke my back. I had to go to Dallas and have back surgery. Luckily for me, Stephen found me on Myspace (stalker!) the week before I was scheduled to go up. He told me that I'd always been one of his favorite people in high school (we were 10th grade geology lab partners!) and he'd love to see me and catch up. So I went to Dallas. And I stepped up to the bar at Smitty's to order a whiskey with a Lone Star back, and from behind me, I heard "What does it TAKE to get a drink in this place?!" and it was HIM. And the rest is history. I didn't know it at the time, but he would change my life completely. He would make me want to be a better woman, a better person. He would demand that I respect myself enough to clean my act up. He would eventually, in his words, "lame me up". He was the light in my darkness, and the first step in my long journey towards The Light. He saved me from a life that absolutely would have killed me. I love him.

2007

2007

I don't have a lot of pictures from 2007. I was BUSY that year. Working, trying desperately to clean up my life, being crazy in love... I was spending nearly ALL my time with Stephen, like you do when you're in a relatively new relationship and absolutely gonzo over someone... In late 2007, Stephen proposed, and we began our search for a place to start our life together as a married couple. One thing I notice right away is how much softer I appear in this photo compared to it's predecessors.

2008

2008c

2008 was a HAPPY year! Can you tell? haha! We were married on March 21, 2008, and went on a cruise for our honeymoon (along with Josh and Joe) a week later. Amazing!

2008 was also the year that Jesus really started showing Himself to us. In order to get married you need a minister... and in order to marry us, the minister we chose required us to go through some pre-marital "counseling". I was hell-bent against it at first, especially when we went the first time and he wanted us to talk about our FAITH. I was like "Look, I will talk to you about anything but this Jesus stuff". Well, sh*t got real, and by the 3rd meeting, I was crying and praying with my husband and Paul, the preacher. That month before our wedding was CRAZY. We were both seedling Christians, both of us had been raised in church but had run away at some point... we were grasping to find His plan for us, desperate to be obedient (but not really) and trying to figure out how our life would change, as it was

2008w

changing. We found our church that year, Soma Austin Community Church. We found amazing friends... an incredible community of loving, giving souls who actually liked us! Jesus was sweet, gentle with us in 2008. He's been more forceful in 2009, or maybe we're just listening more closely. 

2009

2009b

2009 has been, well, challenging. We've been through more this year than I can even tell you... but it's like my boss says "when you decide to follow God, you're gonna catch hell" (she is also a Christian). I KNOW that we've only been able to handle things the way we have because of our newfound faith in the power of Jesus.

We make decisions differently. We have more joy. We have FAITH.

Of course things haven't all been peachy... there have been a lot of absolutely terrible things that happened this year, but I'm looking at those things through different eyes now than I would have before. I know that we will get through the problems we're having right now. I KNOW we will. And I

2009

know we'll be stronger for it in the end. I have absolute faith in my Creator, that he will follow through the work He's started in me right to the very end. I count myself as VERY lucky, and so so blessed, that I found the love of my life, and through the process of falling in love with him, I fell in love with Jesus again. Life is beautiful.

(A couple days early)

I am thankful today for all the love in my life.

I am thankful for a family who loves abundantly and has never failed to believe in me.

I am thankful for a mother and father who have always declared and demonstrated the Gospel through their love for one another and for their children. Over the years, I have learned that the kind of home I grew up in is very rare and precious. My parents loved each other openly, we ate meals together, we shared stories about our days… I am forever thankful that this was my experience, as so many of my friends did not have that warmth and love at home. Of course I didn’t realize how lucky I was at the time, but now, as an adult, I am so grateful that I had this loving example of a solid family structure to pass on to my family someday.

I am thankful for the examples that my parents set: my mother’s strength, my father’s discipline, the way they worked together to solve problems, and their constant, obvious love for each other… growing up with their guidance made me the woman I am today, and I’m so thankful for them.

I am thankful for my sweet sister, and for how far the Lord has brought her. I am thankful for our relationship, and that I always have someone to talk to if I need it.

 
I am thankful for my brother, and for the talented man he’s become. I’m thankful that we’ve gotten closer recently, and for the time we’ve been able to spend together.

 
I am so thankful for my loving, generous grandparents. I absolutely believe that God has put us all in each other’s lives for a reason, and I know that their purpose is to show me what it really looks like to be a true disciple for the Lord. Their unfailing love for people, the gift of their time, money, and service for the Lord is an amazing testimony to me. I often wish that I lived closer so that I could attend her class (Gramma) every Sunday. They've both shared so much of themselves with me through their love, kindness, and generosity, and that is something I can never repay. I am so thankful for their love for me, and for all the wisdom they've shared with me over the years.

I am so thankful for my loving, sweet husband, who puts himself aside so often to care for me. I know that he loves me unconditionally, as I do him.  I am thankful that he trusts the Lord, and that he strives to be a leader in our home. I am so thankful that he’s able to go to school to secure a future for us, and that he is so determined to do well in order to provide for me and our future family. His gentle love and kindness touch my heart daily, and I am so, so thankful that God made us for each other.

I am thankful for my church family at Soma Austin Community Church, who have offered their love and support selflessly, any time we have needed it.

 
Above everything, I am thankful for my God, my Savior, my All in All. I am thankful for His loving guidance, for His patience, and for the lessons I’m taught every day. I am thankful for the sweet, redemptive power of the Holy Spirit, and for a loving God who has provided me with everything I have ever needed, and more.

God bless you all, and I hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving this year!

(I'm cooking my first turkey and hosting a small group of friends... should be fun! Here's hoping I don't burn the house down!!)

 

 

Clumsy

clum·sy

Pronunciation: \kləm-zē\

You could definitely describe me as "lacking dexterity, nimbleness, or grace". This is true of my physical self, as most of you are aware, but it is also far a far too appropriate description of my spiritual life. My good friend and pastor Jacob Vanhorn recently posted this quote on Twitter, and it resonated with me intensely:

These words struck my heart when I read them this morning, as I've allowed so many "things" (life) to get in the way and overshadow my commitment to God, and to my church, Soma Austin. Ask anyone close to me, and they'll tell you I've been different lately. I've been depressed, negative, sarcastic, and joyless. I've been picking at my husband, starting completely unnecessary arguments and tiffs that breed resentment in my marriage. I allowed myself to become discouraged and disheartened when I weighed in last Saturday and realized I hadn't lost any weight since the previous week. I've had a listless, melancholy attitude, and it hasn't gone unnoticed.

It wasn't until I began reading 'Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life" with my friend Emily that I started to connect my recent lackluster spirit to the fact that I hadn't been to church in over a month. I haven't gone to a service, I've been to my Missional Community only once in the last month, and I have not made time to fellowship, share, and just spend time with my friends in far too long. Another big one: I haven't been spending time in the Word.

I'm realizing more and more that my spiritual life and my walk with God so directly affect the rest of my life. I'm committing this week to re-establishing my place in my church family, and submerging myself in God's Word, discipling myself as a means of unparalleled spiritual liberty.

I've been an absentee neighbor lately! Truth be told, it's because I've been insanely busy, not just lazy, I swear! Even my friends here in Austin have been checking in on me, making sure I'm still alive...

Things overall have been...well, just good. Not great, not bad, just good, which I'm fine with! Stephen is a full-time student, working to secure a future for us every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. He recently quit his job, since he was having a really hard time balancing work and school this early on. I understood and supported the decision, especially since the government will (hopefully) be providing him a paycheck for going to school, and the job was paying him nearly nothing. The day he had to miss a mandatory test to go into work for only slightly more than minimun wage was the final straw. Luckily, his boss was gracious and understanding, and his professor allowed him to take the test late, so it all worked out. His writing ability has really surprised me! I mean, he's my husband and I've always known he's hilarious and definitely has a way with words, but he's been writing these papers for school (which I proofread and type up for him) and they are AWESOME! The last one was about getting his head shaved when he joined the US Army at 19. SO FUNNY. And you really feel the anguish of his experience... anyway...he's definitely found his "writing voice", according to his professor! He seems to be thriving in a learing environment, and I couldn't be happier for him.

Me, well, I've just been keepin' on keepin' on. Work has been nuts lately, with two different coworkers going through difficult personal and family situations, as well as typical fall-time illnesses and whatnot. Plus, I had last week off, and came back to a ton of work! I'm glad though, I was happy to jump into it. It's exhillirating. I know, I'm a huge dork! Other than work, I've been drawing a lot and focusing on healing myself. I've had 2 rounds now of epidural injections, and they seem to be helping. My pain level has gone from about a 7 or 8 without meds to about a 4 or 5. With meds, I'm usually at a 2 or 3, which is awesome. I'm sure my weight loss has been helping with that as well. I set my first goal (of many) at 30 pounds, and as of last Sunday, I'd lost 22.8 pounds! Only 7.2 pounds to go! I really can't believe how quickly it's been coming off, but I'd been told that might happen at first, especially since I have a lot to lose. Now I just need to figure out a good workout routine and I'll be a calorie-burning machine!! I had a hard time getting motivated in the beginning, but now that I'm starting to fit back into things I haven't worn in forever, I'm on a mission! Today, I'm wearing a denim pencil skirt that's been hiding in my closet for at least 2 years. Feels good. Feels like freedom! hahaha. I'm so silly.

Things with me and Stephen are good... we've been dealing with some issues, health-related and not, and trying to work and pray through them together. So, we'll see. We had our 18 month anniversary yesterday. Weird that we've been married that long... doesn't feel like it!

Anyway, it's been fun, but I've gotta run! And I promise to try not to be a stranger!

Well I'm afraid I'm not supposed to be like this
Like I was born in a land where no serpent hissed
And I have waited a long time for Your kiss

Well I have felt that they'd all take offense at me
And so a fence I have built to protect the seed
But all the bricks will secure it's mortality

I have been seated in circles and stood in disgrace
At the noted intention to be in place
And I have seen that one man saved the human race
But it took His life and it took His faith

I have risen from ashes and fed on flames
But even so I still fear I have played a game
And it seems no one else is as sick and depraved

I have heard that I'm not supposed to be this way
And still the stones that are lifted fall down to stay
But I keep doubting and think one will strike my face

He's been promising me something more than pain
Where the cost is grace and my loss is gain
And I have chosen because there is no other way
I either wallow in shame
Or humble myself and be saved
And be saved

"I'm Afraid I'm Not Supposed To Be Like This" by Waterdeep

Waterdeep I'm Afraid That I'm Not Supposed To Be Like This

I used to love singing this hymn in church when I was a kid, and I heard it this morning and was reminded how beautiful it is.

Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidd’st me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Just a I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.

Crazy hectic chaotic life has gotten in the way of me blogging lately. I know, I know, I'm a terrible neighbor. I'll try to be better, I promise! Don't break up with me!

Yipee!

*Stephen picked up his new car yesterday. It's a 2010 Toyota Corolla sport, and he loves it. It smells good. :)

*We are paying zero interest on said car, thanks to the amazing generosity of my grandfather. He co-signed, and he has perfect credit!!

*My Nutrisystem order shipped this morning, and within the next week, I'll be ready to start! Skinny jeans, here I come. Actually, I don't have any skinny jeans. I'll have to buy some.

*My job is going really well. I love it here. I am so lucky to have amazing coworkers, an awesome boss, and a really fun job. I can't believe I've been here for over a year now. Weird.

*I joined dailymile.com today so I can track how far I walk every day. I plan on doing lots of walking. Every little bit helps!

*God is so good, and He's been showing me his grace all over the place lately.

*Stephen has started school. He's such a cute little full-time student!

*I am absolutely, madly in love with my husband.

Yikes!

*My back isn't feeling any better. I had my first round of epidural steroid injections last week, and I'm having more on Tuesday. I just hope it starts to help. Right now, it's pretty unbearable.

*We're broke. But what else is new?

I guess that's it for now... glad the good has been outweighing the bad, for the first time in a long time.